Wishing Away the Last 6 Months

October 2nd was turning out to be a seemingly perfect day.  My parents had just arrived from North Carolina to celebrate Addison's 9th birthday.  Mom, Addison, and I had gotten pedicures and friends were heading over to help prepare for Saturday's party, but mostly just to enjoy the gorgeous fall night.
I remember taking a quick spin on my bike before dinner.  The neighborhood was buzzing. I zipped home to eat, because with everything going on I hadn't had anything besides a Starbucks. I was starving!   A migraine (I have been a chronic migraine sufferer since 7th grade)  from earlier was creeping back up and I wanted to take care of it so that I could enjoy the evening.  Food always helps.
After once slice of pizza I was more nauseous than I have ever felt before.  The room was spinning out of control, and I couldn't get the words to come out making sense.   I stood up to make my way to the bathroom and Mom followed.

Thirty five minutes later...

I am waking up on the floor of the mudroom with an EMT asking me so many questions.  The door to the garage was open and I see Ryan, my parents, and friends all there.   I could not remember for the life of me how I got there or what had happened.

Ryan's details of the event are more than horrifying to replay.  I will spare you the details; but to say the least I suffered a Grand Mal seizure.     911 was called because I do not suffer from seizures and this was a huge concern for everyone.  I was taken by ambulance to receive countless tests to understand more about the situation.    The final consensus... "We think this was just a fluke."

A fluke?  Well that's great news!  I do not have a serious medical condition that will need treatment for the rest of my life.  It is likely that this may be be the only one I will ever have.  Phew!

Here was the kicker... if you know of anyone that has ever suffered from a seizure this will not come as a surprise.  My driver's license has been restricted for 6 months!
 Here are my initial thoughts:
1. I am never going to be able to do this.
2. How will I do my job?
3. How will I get to Target?  ( I really thought about this... I love that place!)
4. What is Ryan going to do?  He can't do this all on his own.  How will Addison take this?
5. Things could be a lot worse and I need to really put that into perspective!


I am now 15 days from the 6 month mark and my mind is racing, which is what prompted this post.

For the past 6 months I have had to be okay with being nervous.  Was this going to happen again?  Would I feel it coming?  What would I do if I was home alone, or just with Addison?  Would she know what to do? Is this just a migraine or do I feel different?  What if I am traveling for work and it happens on the airplane, in the airport, at a school I am supporting?   Should I be skiing?  Should I be riding roller coasters?   These are just to name a few.

For the past 6 months I have had to be okay with asking for help.  This was the hardest part.  I did not want to become a burden for anyone.  It slowly became easier.  Can you take me to Target?  Are you going anywhere today?  Can I come too?  Will you drop me off here and pick me back up?

I now look back and think about the conversations Ryan and I have had running errands where before it would have just been one of us.   I think about the friends that have reached out for the pure sake of getting me out of the house: lunch, pedicures, trips to Target and Meijer, even picking Addison up from school.  I do not want that to stop.

I can hear Ryan saying to Addison, "We need to get Mom out of the house," as she complains about running errands after school. ( I work from home so many days go by without leaving.)  Those times, the three of us, are so special to me.  I would have previously driven myself to and from the airport.  The past 6 months I have a proper send off and greeting. I do not want that to stop.

I have had time to relish in my dependence and feel super grateful for my most amazing husband who has really shown that we are a dynamic team.

It would have been really easy to get in my car and start driving on countless days.  What would that have done?  Addison has seen through this that following the rules isn't always easy.  She has seen the struggle of asking for help and the caring nature of so many around us.

In 15 days I will likely jump in the car and life will be back to life as it once was, or will it?   I appreciate things in a different light.  I am aware of the not so obvious gestures people make to help out.  I am aware that everything happens for a reason.

I remember sitting in Mass sometime in September praying that I could understand the balance of working from home.   Once again I see... God works in mysterious ways.